Pretty much the body I’d like, thank you…
1. when you told me your interests i spent hours doing research i wanted to become everything you love
2. the first time i touched you, your body burned just like a cigarette and i treated you like a bad habit i told everyone I’d give it up but i could never stay away for long
3. i always need something to do with my hands
4. when i found out you wanted to leave i told you I’d help you pack and i put my heart in your suitcase and i wished you good luck even though i wanted you to fail
5. i tried to destroy everything that reminded me of you then i tried to destroy myself
6. i watched your new love grow while holding a gun to my head
7. the hole my chest grew bigger so i tried to fill it with drugs, short-lived romances, and sad poems
8. i wish i hadn’t given my heart to you— i tried to get it back but there were chains on your fences and large dogs barking outside your door
9. i can no longer write great poems i can no longer write and i think you took that too
10. i still blame you for everything and i know you hate me for it
11. i still had those nightmares and i woke up screaming your name only to be comforted by your ghost and i killed her again
12. twelve months. it’s been twelve months and i’m still writing about you.
do you ever see a picture of someone that you used to be so close to and you just remember every thing you did together and all the things you said you would do together, all the late night conversations or phone calls and remember all the good things and bad things both of you have been through together but then you remember that they’re now just a memory and they’re not in your life anymore
this makes me so sad.
it’s so cold
and I want to sleep
but all I can think of is you
Tonight I listened to a voicemail you left me three months ago.
In it, you told me to go fuck myself.
I still remember that night.
I still remember those words rolling off your tongue so gracefully.
I remember wondering how someone so beautiful could be so cruel.
Two months ago I called you at three A.M.
I expected you to ignore it, or to send me to voicemail;
those were two of the things you were best at.
You answered and I felt my heart begin to race;
you probably thought it was because I missed you,
but truthfully it was because I didn’t expect you to answer,
and because I really had to pee.
I asked you how you were and you sat there quietly and confused.
It was like you forgot that I existed and that I was once a part of your life.
You told me “fine” and I smiled.
That was the last conversation we had.
I made sure to let go of you, and every negative word that was said, in a peaceful way.
Fast forward two months, and I still wonder how you are.
I still wonder how your dog is and if you’ve seen any good movies lately.
If you ever heard me say this, you’d probably blush like you used to whenever I said something sweet.
You’d probably think I think these things because I still love you, that I still want you.
But that is not the case.
You see, six months ago I was jumping through hoops to please you.
To make sure that you were happy before myself.
To make sure that I was the one causing your happiness.
But it is not six months ago.
It is now.
And now I simply remember you as a person I gave my soul to.
A person I told secrets to at 4am and fucked to feel a sense of closeness.
A person I loved, yes.
But it is not six months ago.
It is now, and now I miss you.
I miss the way you called randomly just to ask how my day was.
I miss the way you seemed to care, even if you didn’t.
I miss the friendship and the secrets and the stories.
And maybe one day things will be different.
Maybe you’ll call me on a Tuesday afternoon and ask how my day was.
These are the things I think about before my eyes slowly close and I am finally rewarded with sleep.
But for right now?
Go fuck yourself.